November 11

The day has so many different meanings. Most people view November 11th as Veteran's Day, a day to honor those who bravely give up their service to our country. For those who sacrificed their lives to protect us: those who came back, and those who didn't. It's a day to remember all those who have given everything for their families. November 11th has always been a special day to me, because my grandfather served in the Vietnam War and made it back, and my cousin went to Iraq and made it back. I always give thanks to them and what they've done for our country, and for all the trials and sufferings they went through. I will never understand that type of suffering or sacrifice.

But I do understand another type of suffering I've come to associate with this day.

November 11th is the day one of my dearest friends was killed in a car wreck. Three years ago, Samuel Brazeal was killed, and three years ago I never looked at this day, or the month of November, the same way.

I remember the text I got from my grandmother that morning around 9 a.m. She said, "Samuel Brazeal was killed in a car wreck this morning. Don't know too many details, but keep his family in your prayers."

Not exactly the best way to start off a Wednesday morning, especially since I was entering a three hour class at the time. Needless to say, I didn't stay in that class. I left crying, holed myself up in my room, and bawled my eyes out. I remember going through Facebook (by the way, NEVER the best idea) to see if it was true. My entire feed was filled with posts about Samuel and how people were devastated about his death. And again, the tears flowed out.

A word of advice for dealing with grief: don't go on social media. It only makes things worse. Another tip: don't try to act like nothing is wrong.

I made that mistake several times that day, and several times for the next year. I tried to believe I was okay, when the truth was I was angry at God, angry at the one responsible, and angry at people in general. I didn't know how to deal with my mourning process, so I acted like it didn't exist. It made my suffering a lot worse than it should've been.

I learned the hard way that you can't run or hide from grief. It still finds you. That year, I learned truths I didn't necessarily want to know, but needed to hear.

The first year was the hardest, the second year didn't seem to be real, but this third year...I can't begin to explain it. It feels empty yet full at the same time. Hopeful but hopeless. I've grown so much, been so many places, accomplished so much that I know Samuel would be proud of me for, but he isn't physically here to witness it. He's here in spirit, and he is at rest eternally with God, and I've rested in that fact for three years, but there is something about today that didn't seem right. I couldn't cry, but I couldn't act like I was happy. I didn't seem sad, but I couldn't find it in me to do anything. The third year is a weird one. And I know there's a whole group of people who knew Samuel who are going through the exact same funk as me.

His parents are incredibly strong. I look up to them so much, but I know they're hurting today. I know his whole family is. He made an influence on so many people that hundreds of people, young and old, are suffering today. They've been suffering for three years, but they still continue on, day after day, stronger than they were.

And strong doesn't mean they don't cry, they aren't sad, or that they are always happy. Strong means despite that they still get through their day, do what they have to do, and prepare for tomorrow. That strength is shared with all of us. And ironically enough, it's a strength shared with our veterans. They have different traumas, different sufferings, but they still find the strength to continue on, even as painful or as hard as it may be. Pretty amazing how that works.

Yes, November 11th is about honoring veterans, and I will never cease to do so, but November 11th has also taught me about another type of sacrifice and suffering. It is something I will never forget, but it is something I wish I didn't have to go through. God has a plan though, and I trust in that. There's a reason November 11th stays a special day in so many people's hearts, and I know it's not just so we honor our veterans or even to mourn Samuel.

It's to celebrate life, celebrate those around us who give so much, appreciate those who are here, and remember those who are not.